You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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