fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
