There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
