thus making me awesome and them whores
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
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You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
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Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂