he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky