I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now