You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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