She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
