She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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