I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
