im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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