The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.