I want to have your abortion
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine