I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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