is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
