you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize