I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
