Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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