i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
