I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
