i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
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just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
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I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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