you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize