im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
nutella sex= disaster
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
