I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
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i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
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yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I licked your asshole in confidence.