Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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