I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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