Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
