remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
