I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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