We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
