when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
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If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
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A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm