morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother