Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
