Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
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So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
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You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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