What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
