Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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