two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?