drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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