and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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