I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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