You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
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She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
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Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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