called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
