Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
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