she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
