I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize