What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
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Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
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I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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