I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
