He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?