he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
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I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
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As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.