If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
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She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
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Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.