My sheets look like a crime scene.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
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That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
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Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.