So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"