My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
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It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
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Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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