I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
