I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.