Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just high enough for therapy.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.