ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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