We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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